Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
