sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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