Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
