Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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