I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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