God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
