i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
