Soap is not a condiment
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
did i walk over a car last night?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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