you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
