I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
