All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
