btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
