I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize