If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize