guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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