I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
