It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
