He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
