We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
