This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
