If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
