I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
