gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
