i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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