I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
