I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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