First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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