So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
