hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
