I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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