Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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