that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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