Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize