life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
