If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
