there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
