Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
