I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize