I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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