Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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