I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
