just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
