At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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