I met the friendliest cop last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Panties = found
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize