So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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