She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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