also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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