There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
