We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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