I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
