I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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