Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
