I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
third nipple confirmed
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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