I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
As shirtless as possible
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
