i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
