i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
