Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I need help removing her.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
